BREAKING NEWS: Somali Pirates really former Bear Stearns and Goldman Sachs brokers. Federal investigators revealed today that the three dead Somali pirates were former Wall Street brokers. Authorities suggested that many more former Wall Street brokers and bankers (who received bailout money) are now working waters off the shores of Somalia. "The money is better than Wall Street and we get to work outdoors," said Wesley Vanderbilt, formerly a top selling securities broker at Bear Stearns. "Wall Street sucks these days," added Adam Spielstein, dressed for boating in topsiders, a Harvard MBA t-shirt and brandishing an AK47. "This is so much more fun than cruising senior centers in Rancho Mirage." Jerry McBaitland, a former Lehman Brothers hotshot, chimes in, "Manhattan housing prices have gotten too crazy. My kids are in school in Switzerland and life is good."
China accepted a hard driven bargain by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today which allows for every American to help pay off our national debt to China by working for two dollars a day as a domestic servant, in rice paddies or coal mines. Since 98% of the national debt is caused by heterosexuals, only heterosexuals will be shipped to China. Gays and lesbians will be sent to the Paris sweatshops of Yves St. Laurent, Karl Lagerfeld and Givenchy, to help pay back what we owe to the French. Banks and credit card companies will use their bailout money to pay to ship American debtors to China. According to Citibank executives, who asked not to be identified, "it's important that America show the world we always pay back our debts." Bankrupt American Debtors (B.A.D.) claim they should be paid at least the federal minimum wage but experts on Wall Street said that would only serve to hurt small businesses in China and stunt economic growth worldwide. Gays and lesbians working Paris sweatshops, however, will be paid French minimum wage, given free healthcare, expense accounts and quaint but fashionable apartments on the Rive Gauche. Experts on Wall Street claim this is the sort of practice that has destroyed France's economy. French politicians' response was simply, "we will not be sending any French people to work in China."
Breaking News: According to a new Gallup Poll, more than 8 out of 10 Americans identify themselves as Christians. Gallup goes on to explain that this means Americans (Christians) will believe anything, including a mortgage broker who tells them their rate will never go up. In fact, says Gallup, the entire subprime mortgage fiasco has been caused almost entirely by Christians who will believe anything plus a small minority of other religious types who will believe anything. 100% of all foreclosures in the United States have been on Christian households. Gallup says that no atheists have ever been sold a bad mortgage or been foreclosed on. According to Barry McSorley, a mortgage broker in Fort Meyers, "those damn atheists are impossible to make any money on. They read the paperwork. Gimme a Christian any day, they take you on faith. All you have to do is mention Jesus and couple of times and hand them the pen." The latest studies including the one below indicate that the entire financial crisis is almost entirely caused by Christian heterosexuals who will believe anything anyone tells them is in the Bible. Salesmen in Alice Thompson's Internet Marketing classes say that there is a list of closely guarded words that will trigger a sale under just about any circumstances. Although the salesmen refused to show us the list, we hear from reliable sources that the list includes the words "jesus," "Bible," "faith," "God," "pray," and "devil." A few salesmen admit those words are on the list but refused to indicate the majical order. If the words are said in the right order, apparently, a Christian will overpay by up to 100% above MSRP. 
Revision Studios, famous for the “Princess Diana Gay Bible” has launched “Leviticus International,” a new website which promises to help unhappy straights become gay. According to film producer Max Mitchell, creator of the site, “Jesus Christ has the power to end heterosexuals’ misery and make them happy well-adjusted gays.” Mitchell recently produced “Horror In The Wind,” about two bio-geneticists who invent an airborne formula that reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation. “Horror In The Wind” screens at an upcoming PFLAG benefit in Las Cruces.
Leviticus International says straights can be “born again gay” through prayer and Jesus Christ. Joseph “Bo” Kelly, of Las Vegas, NV, a former heterosexual, claims his compulsive attraction to women led him to two suicide attempts. “Now that I’m gay, suicide never crosses my mind. My partner, Todd, and I share so much more than I ever did with any of my four ex wives. I thank God for taking the sinful hetero disorder away.”
How does it work? “I got on my knees and asked Jesus to release me from the spell cast by women.” It took months and months of prayer until I started noticing guys’ butts. Then I met Todd at church. The next thing I knew, it was Super Bowl. We were so excited by the game, let’s just say there was dancing in the end zone. We moved out of the trailer into an Italian palazzo with topiary and an herb garden. I can’t thank Rev. Karl enough. I’m living proof prayer really works.”
Mary Bermanoff, of Dearborn, another ex straight, says she’s never been so happy. “I truly am born again. Who knew Jesus could make me a happy lesbian? Twenty years with a man who smelled and never once emptied the recycle bin on the computer was more than I could take. My girlfriend, Janine, actually cooks and brings me coffee in bed. Hallelujah! I no longer have to be drunk to have sex.”
Watch Video Testimonials at the Leviticus International website. Visitors can email Jesus questions about becoming gay. According to Mitchell, Jesus does not have a spam folder and answers every question. Read testimonials from people who got lucky on the “Prayed And Got Laid” page.
Leviticus International saves straights from “Hetero Hell.” It is a place of misery where people believe they are on the path of civility and equality for all but are really trying to keep gays as second class. Hetero Hell causes them to believe they are better than others even while living in single wides. According to Brother Richard, “Jesus will pluck you from Hetero Hell and gently toss you into Homo Heaven. Ask any convert. Ask the youth groups we host. Ask the elderly who got out just in time. Hetero Hell is its own punishment complete with spousal abuse and spoiled children. Don’t let it happen to you. Email Jesus at askjesus@leviticusinternational.com.”
Mitchell claims “There are scholars who say that Jesus was gay. But gays are the only group left in America that it’s still okay to hate. Even President-Elect Obama is a homophobe who thinks gays and lesbians don’t deserve the same rights as straights. Gays helped get Obama elected but he still hates them along with Rick Warren.”
Rev. Karl Krutchner, pastor at the Trailer of God in New Orleans, says that Leviticus has a very high success rate. “I can’t take credit for it. It’s the power of Jesus, not me. In the Princess Diana Bible it says it’s an abomination for a man to lay with a woman. That’s my ministry. Saving people from this sinful lifestyle. You should see their faces when they find gay love. You can see God in the eyes.”
“Horror In The Wind” screens at a PFLAG benefit at the Fountain Theater Las Cruces January 24 at 10pm. All tickets $10. Watch Trailer. Click for Press Kit.
BLOG COMMENTS: I pray the Lord have mercy on your Souls!!! Revelations 22:19 in NLT says: And if anyone removes any of the words from this book of prophecy, God will remove that person’s share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book. that means eternal DAMNATION!!!
Being a bisexual, it seems that I am going to go to hell, even in the gay bible.
I guarantee you'll be looking up for help in hell, and no one will be able to help you.
I'll take 10 copies of the Princess Diana Bible. Congrats!
Made for under $53,000, sci fi comedy “Horror In The Wind (trailer),” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico. NBC nightly news recently reported that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political. “Horror In The Wind” is about two bio-geneticists whose Formula 4708 reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation. Allen Theaters, the only Cineplex in Alamogordo where the film was shot, was asked by Weber to do a single late night screening to comply with Screen Actors Guild regulations. According to theater owner, Russell Allen, it is “too political.” Alamogordo, famous for being the town where Christians burned the Harry Potter books, is referenced in the movie.
Allen Theaters screens extremely violent films. “They are offended by political comedy but have no problem with violence,” said Mitchell. “Allen thinks that killing and murder is better than laughter. So much for family values.” When NBC News showed up with a camera at Allen’s Cineplex in Alamogordo, the manager refused to be interviewed on camera. Allen did not return phone calls made by NBC News reporter Katie Ryan.
"Horror In The Wind" is set in 2017 when Pat Robertson and James Dobson win the White House with a campaign theme of the "War on Sex." Robertson spreads an untested sex suppression formula throughout the world. To everyone's shock, Formula 4708 does not suppress sex drive but changes it. Within a week the entire world is gay. Eventually people prefer it and amend the constitution to ban heterosexual marriage.
"I got the idea for the Princess Diana Bible from 'Horror In The Wind'," says Mitchell. "After the world becomes gay, religious people create The Princess Diana Bible, which says that gay is right and straight is a sin. Then they burn all the King James Bibles."
According to Mitchell, "There are scholars who say that like many priests, Jesus was gay. In Biblical times homosexuality was so commonplace, no one gave it a second thought. It was heterosexuality that was considered sinful."One man posted this on the Princess Diana Bible Blog: ‘The Lord God reminds you of this that if anyone adds to his word God will add to him/her the plagues described in his word. And if anyone takes away from his word God will take his/her name out of the Book of Life.’
“Sounds like a very mean and nasty God. Lots of emails threaten God will punish me but I’m not scared. These people lack faith or they wouldn’t get so hysterical. There are 116 versions of the Bible. Why is any of them better than ours? Gays are the only group left in America that it’s still okay to hate. If they hate so much, why are they called Christians?" "Horror In The Wind" opens at the Guild Cinema in Albuquerque December 12. Rising star, Perren Hedderson ("Hero Tomorrow") leads the cast of 50 New Mexico actors. See the trailer at www.horrorinthewind.com.
